The sky's not blue,
the trees aren't green.
There's not one flower
to be seen.
The sky is grey,
the ground is, too.
Like frozen mounds
of bunny pooh.
Easter's coming
I can tell---
It's not the colors,
it's the smell.
Happy Easter, everyone!
(The trees were right to be scared; it's April 5th...and it's snowing.)
Showing posts with label ohio. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ohio. Show all posts
Ohio - April
Ohio - Night Sky
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In the outside world, there is an on going debate in the FCC and the FAA about cell phone usage on airplanes. They have elicited people's opinions; this one was my favorite:
"As long as the cellphone users have to step outside to use their phone I have no problem with it. — Posted by Ken B"
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Back home, it's time for the annual debate on Billboards vs. Trees in the Georgia Legislature:
" ...the billboard industry needs relief from current rules that protect trees at the expense of the economy." ---All so someone can make more money; I don't need the billboards, but I do need the trees.
We should cut down more trees because "...more than 100 people die annually when they run off Georgia roads and hit a tree." ---People can't run their cars into trees if the trees aren't there...or if they aren't in their cars. Make it illegal to drive.
Are we going to let our "representatives" change what we see on a drive through Georgia? More billboards and fewer trees? Sad.
ajc.com
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Here in Compliance, I decided I needed a "Defiance College" T-shirt; that was my chore last Thursday.
After finally spotting the campus bookstore through a window, I came up short at a locked door. Inside, I could see a couple of ladies busying themselves over stacks of T-shirts. In my best Marcel Marceau, I questioned "Open tomorrow?".
Smiling, she mimed back "We're closed".
I pointed at the locked door, miming "No f#@$ing kidding."
Still smiling, she unlocked the door. "Can I help you?"
"Sure! What are your hours?"
"8:30 to 4:30 every day."
"Every day? Like today?"
'Oh, no, sir. We're closed today."
I just looked at her, miming "please continue, you vapid cow."
"Oh, it's spring break. We're closed."
I just kept looking at her...
"We are open again next week."
...waiting...
"When Spring Break is over."
...waiting...
"On Tuesday"
Finally! "Thanks very much for your help," I mimed with my backside as I turned toward the exit.
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I didn't really understand what all the fuss was about; what's so special about fish all of a sudden?
At one intersection - Clinton Street and The Mall entrance - 3 of the 4 fast food places were engaged in a price war over...fish sandwiches.
Arby's had "2 for $4". BK Lounge had "Fish Meal Deal". Mickey D's had it, too.
I didn't get it...until I realized that we are between Ash Wednesday and Easter...and I'm deep in Catholic Country.
Rats - I'm too late to give up Ohio for Lent.
...the rest of the story...
Compliance, Ohio - Mist and Oscar
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It had rained the day before, putting lots of moisture in the air. The next day, it was foggy and the temperature was right at freezing, masking trees in the distance and growing little icicle beards on everything that stood still.
Today, of course, it's back to "freezing rain", meaning "drive slowly and walk flat-footed...like you have blisters on your feet...or painfully fabulous shoes."
But, there's no denying it: this Midwest weather is perfect for movie-watching. So far, I've rented "The Departed" and "Babel" in an attempt to catch up with the Oscars (and the rest of the world).
I was a little worried that I might not be able to snag a copy of "Babel" at the local "Family Video" store (the only rental place left in town, I'm told, after the other one left mysteriously in the middle of the night...which sounds like an excellent back-up plan), but I was in luck. Last night, the night before the Oscars, the featured film was "The Guardian!!! Starring Kevin Costner!!!" ("Rental only $1.50!" Exclamation points free!)
There were several copies of "Babel".
The acting in "Babel" was amazing, but the story was quite a downer. While it's true that everyone made an emotional connection - or reconnection - by the end of the film, it was still depressing and too easily boiled down to "Crash" with language instead of racism. (Like "Syriana" is "Traffic" with oil instead of drugs, and "Britney Spears" is "Madonna" with youth instead of talent...or hair).
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Compliance, Ohio - Barn and Field
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I've been working 6:00 AM to 7:30 PM each day until last Sunday. Then, I finally got to explore a little during daylight hours...in the field right behind our apartment. ...the rest of the story...
Compliance - Plant at Sunset
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I'm making fiberglass.
My company is helping to start-up a brand new plant (the old one burned to the ground - quelle surprise) that heats the raw material to 2100 degrees, drops it into a [non-disclosure agreement], and spits out glass cotton candy...light and feathery...like angel poo.
That's what I do for about 13 hours a day; the rest of my day is spent going to the gym (where I finally found all the cute people in northwest Ohio - they both work-out at the YMCA) or entertaining customers.
Last night I took them to "Jewell Cafe" ("you can't miss it; it's across the street from the grain elevator and next to the railroad tracks"). It's the "best restaurant" in the area.
"Best" = largest beef selection in the county.
The menu read exactly like the beer choices at my favorite math-impaired restaurant - the steaks came in 8 oz, 16 oz, or 24 oz sizes, plus the best-value, colon-choking 30 oz. slab.
So I got to wondering; what else weighs 30 ounces?
- 1 Adult Guinea Pig
- 16 Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts
- 21 baby chicks
- 150 quarters
- 38,250 papaya seeds
- $114,000 worth of cocaine
How much would it cost to send this steak into orbit on the Space Shuttle?
$18,750
I had the salad (it came with bacon on it.) ...the rest of the story...
Compliance, Ohio - Taun Taun Cold
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It's Taun-taun cold.
Like in "The Empire Strikes Back", when Luke is out on the popsicle planet, lost on patrol, and they have to close the bay doors because the temperature dropped so low that nothing can live outside the base, but Han Solo goes out there anyway and finds Luke and then it's so cold the Taun-taun just up and drops dead.
It's that cold here in Compliance and I have to walk outside to my car - there aren't any Taun Tauns, but if my car doesn't start, I'll just crawl inside a dead possum. ...the rest of the story...
Compliance, Ohio - Nice
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I had just gone in for a few, regular items; not like in Atlanta. In the south, when we see a few flakes of snow, it is mandatory for us to run to the store to buy 20 loaves of bread and 100 gallons of milk. Lord only knows why; it's not like snow has ever stayed on the ground in Atlanta for more than a few days - how much bread do people normally eat in that amount of time?
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Reading NYT online, there was a little piece on award saturation...too many oscars/emmys/people's choice, etc.
The author made several recommendations for awards to ordinary folks who do little things to make life a little more pleasant for other people (see excerpt below).
The thing is, most people here in Compliance would never be able to do these little niceties for their fellow citizens; there are no subways, no buildings with dogs, no sidewalks, no lottery tickets.
I guess that's why here in the midwest, folks are just nice all the time.
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To people on trains and in movie theaters who remove their coats from empty seats without being asked: a Civvy for best performance in a crowded comedy.
Top performance by a dog owner goes to those who understand that buildings are not urinals and that expandable leashes that go from here to eternity are a menace to pedestrians. And for people who keep their umbrellas closed until they have exited the subway stairs (who
are probably the same people who keep their soaking-wet umbrellas folded by their feet rather than dripping all over you): a Civvy Award for excellence in prop handling.
For achievement in sound, a Civvy goes to co-workers who try to speak quietly in the next cubicle. For outstanding choreography in public spaces, a Civvy goes to friends who know better than to walk three abreast on the sidewalk. And the Civvy in editing goes to anyone who
does not feel compelled to explain himself at length after making mistakes.
Drum roll please. The final Civvy of the night is for unsolicited graciousness at a cash register. It goes to the elderly woman who quietly stepped aside at the corner store the other day so that I
could buy my newspapers before she bought all her lottery tickets. link ...the rest of the story...
Back to Compliance
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I am thankful for the things I've missed while in "Compliance":
Shawn
Evenings w/friends
Grocery stores w/sheep's milk cheese
Restaurants w/local beer (Vortex!)
Museums w/ live jazz
Bookstores
I am sad that our 8th St Wolf Camera is gone (devastated, to tell the truth), but happy that Jenna, the manager at the Ansley Wolf, is super nice (even though I have to drive to work with her).
I am completely ambivalent that The Grape in 999 Peachtree has closed and that the Foals & Cubs are playing in that bowl-thing...
5:00 PM - State Road 24 - from Toledo to Compliance
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Compliance, Ohio - Hello, Noah
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More Stories from "Compliance"
Fellow passengers - While waiting at baggage claim, standing near me was a 350 lb guy hugging his pillow. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Exactly what part of his body needs more padding?
Waiting for baggage - Even though my luggage was delayed upon my arrival in the midwest, I had a high degree of confidence it was going to end up in the same place I was - my bag claim check number ended in "666".
Bowling in compliance - All by itself, "Bowling in Compliance" is funny, and then it got even better. We got there early and walked up to the bar. "What'll ya have?" "A beer; what have you got?" "Name it!" --- Oh, fine, you want to play that game? Okay...
..."Sweetwater?" Nope "Honey Brown?" Nope "Newcastle?" Nope.
Fine. I give up.
As it turns out, they had Dom Light - Coors Light, Miller Light, Bud Light, Natural Light - all the finest in domestic beers.
If you see a neon sign for it on the wall, they've got it. ...the rest of the story...
Compliance
My reader pointed out that some of my comments about the fine midwest city in which I find myself might not be appreciated by those calling it "home".
So - especially in light of the season - I thought it would be prudent to give the town a pseudonym in any further tales. From this point forward, I'll be working in "Compliance, Ohio".
Lucky enough to be there until Christmas Eve Eve, I hit the mall to do a little last minute shopping. A few observations:
- I was one of 50 people in the "Dollar Store". There was one person at "GNC".
- I was torn between 2 special gifts at "Dollar Store"; the 1 liter bottle of mulberry-scented potpourri oil or the faux wood mariachi serving platter.
- No one was in the "Tan I Am" store (NOTE: According to the 2000 census, the population of Compliance is 16,000, 87% of which is white. Based on my observations at the mall, the other 13% is pasty white.)
- There is an observation window at the Nail Salon where I watched a woman getting a midwest-french manicure, white tips with little teardrops on the nail bed.
----------------THE PICS----------------
- Old bronze mailboxes in the old Post Office. City Hall - no one has been able to tell me about the apparent 1 story addition to the top of the brick building (keeping up with the burgeoning condo market?)
- Christmas decorations along the bridge into downtown. Winter fruit. The tallest tree in town (take that, Rockefeller Center!)
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- Santa's village. Rockefeller Center might have this beat.
- Charlie's Down Under (so named not for specializing in serving Australian food, but in serving food in the basement) - proudly serving both Midwestern food groups - "Steaks" AND "Cocktails". ...the rest of the story...
Defiance, OH
No pics this week (just working hard, hoping to come home the night of 12/23), but I have to tell my reader about my exposure to the splendors of nightlife in Defiance, Ohio....
(An aside - S. tells a co-worker that I'm working in Ohio. "Where?" he asks. "He's in Defiance." "In defiance of what?")
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We started the evening with a stunning dining experience at "Buffalo Wild Wings Bar and Grill" - where the giant, digital, Battlestar Galactica clock behind the bar is 17 minutes fast.
"What's that?" I ask one of the effusive waitpersons, "cuz that's not
the time of day, so it's not a clock".
"That's the bar time".
"'k...what's that mean?"
"When we have happy hour, we have $3 23 oz domestic beers. It ends at 8:00, according to that clock."
"Oh. So...it really ends at 7:43."
"Whatever. Do you want a beer or not?"
"Sure. I'll have a Sam Adams."
"Ok...that'll be $4.50."
"But the 'bar clock' reads 7:37. Isn't it still happy hour?"
"Yup, but only on domestic beer. Bud Light and Miller Draft."
I shouldn't have bothered to ask...it's obvious at this point that Boston is indeed a foreign country.
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Our other choice for fine dining that night was "Applebee's", home of the math-impaired beer specials. We had gone there the night before:
"Would you like a beer? We have $1 - 10 oz, $2 - 16 oz, and $3 - 22 oz."
"Are you serious? If I get a 22 oz beer, I pay $3, but if I get 3 10oz beers, I get 30 oz. - 8 more oz. - for the same price AND you have to do more work bring it to me?"
"Yup. That's why the 22 oz beer is the better value."
WHHHHHHHHHHHHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?????
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So after all that beer calculus, we needed a break and headed to "Spanky's" "downtown", a bar with 2 pool tables, free foosball on Thursdays, and Karaoke on Wed, Sat, and Sun.
I only agreed to go because is was Monday.
They had decorated for the holidays by stapling silver mylar "Coors Light" snowflakes to the ceiling and putting the CCR Christmas album in the juke.
Once there, we met "Tiny", the 6 foot 6 inch, 350 lb bartender/bouncer/greeter.
While playing pool, one of our cue balls got stuck in the chute. We called over to the bartender - "Hey, man, one of the balls is stuck".
Tiny came over to help. He picked up one end of the table and bounced it several times to dislodge the errant ball.
"Thanks man. Hey, by the way, could you move my car?"
"Sure man, where is it?
"Awww...never mind. But if I have to change a tire, can I give you a call?"
"Sure man."
Xmas Windows - Manhattan vs. Defiance
Having had the fantastic luck to visit both New York City AND Defiance, Ohio during the Christmas season, I'd thought I'd share that good fortune with my loyal reader by posting Christmas windows from both cities.
(NOTE: If anyone has any trouble figuring out which windows are "Bergdorf Goodman" and "Saks" and which are "Bridal Elegance" and "Defiance Area Youth For Christ", just shoot me an email.)
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