Somebody wants to be me

So, I just heard from my tax accountant that her computers were stolen.

Fuck.

I can't imagine a worse thing to happen financially. She had my social security number, my banking info for direct deposit, all my tax records.

Fuck.

Okay, there's a procedure to follow for this; it'll be fine:

1) ...file a fraud alert...

Easy enough. I called Equifax (800-525-6285) to place a 90-day "Fraud Alert" on my credit file. They will ask me before issuing any new lines of credit.

2) Close the accounts that you know or believe have been tampered with or opened fraudulently.

Easy enough; that hasn't happened yet.

3) File a police report.

Easy enough. But I don't want to call "911", because it's not an emergency. I'm frantic and pissed and worried, but not in danger. (The computer thieves might want to call "911", however...)

I googled. I browsed. Atlanta non-emergency: (404) 853-3434.

No answer.

But wait! There's a whole list of departmental numbers on the website and some sound kind of interesting:

Vice Unit -
Homeland Security -
Executive Protection -
Pistol Range -
Narcotics Unit -
Pawn Desk Unit -
Office Of Professional Standards -
Weed and Seed -
Cyber Crimes Unit - BINGO! They suggested I call: Central Records Unit (404) 853-7461. WRONG! Call "911"

I called from my office in Clayton Co. WRONG! They directed me to Fulton Co, where I live. WRONG! They directed me to Dekalb Co, there the crime took place. WRONG! They said I needed the address of the crime.

I hung up to look that up.

I called back. Clayton Co. I gave the address of the crime. She said that was in Dekalb Co and HUNG UP!

I called back. Clayton Co. I asked to be directed to Dekalb County. She gave me the direct number [(404) 294-2911] in case we got cut off. Big shocker. She connected me. WRONG! "Report ID please". I don't have a report; I'm trying to file one. This was the wrong department and this operator couldn't hear the first operator. She tried to reconnect me. Dekalb County. BINGO!

The next operator asked me for my address. "Where I am, where I live, or where the crime took place?" The crime. I gave it, she asked for my current phone number and told me they'd call back "sometime" to take the report.

Now here I sit...bored and worried...waiting...and really wanting to call the "weed and seed" department of the Atlanta Police Operations Bureau. Seriously, is that some kind of drug unit or APD's lawn enforcement officials?

They called back within 5 minutes...to tell me I couldn't file a report because it wasn't my computer that was stolen. "But it's my identity, my information, I'm responsible if someone fraudulently uses it." "Sorry, we can't file before something happens...what type of report did you want to file?" "I don't know, maybe a 'somebody's going to try and fuck up my life very soon' report?"

End of conversation - with her. Her Sergeant - Sgt McCracken - was MUCH more helpful. It's true I can't file my own report, but they can list me as a co-victim on the accountant's report. BINGO!

Now that that's over with, I think I'll call the "Professional Standards" unit and see how this measured up. Or the "Chaplaincy Unit". Maybe they will pray for me.