Mexico Stories - Things I learned

WATER PRESSURE - If the shower runs out of water, it's because someone else unplugged the water pump that fills the rooftop cistern for the whole building (it's really loud, especially at night).

SOUNDS - Listening to Karen Carpenter with headphones on is a good way to keep in the holiday spirit (and to mask out the sound of the water pump)

LANDSCAPING - Christmas flowers don't come from Home Depot - there are real, live, blooming, brilliant red outdoor Poinsettias...everywhere

HARRY POTTER I - Mad-Eye Moody is translated to "Ojoloco" in spanish.

HARRY POTTER II - There's no real way to translate "You're a right foul git".

HOLIDAYS - As explained by a native, Dec 12th is a holiday to celebrate the day the Virgin Mary "show up" in Guadalupe.

HEALTH - The "Cellophane Diet" is a good (but boring) way to keep from becoming sick (eat only packaged food from the grocery store).

PRODUCE - Irapuato is the "Strawberry Capital of the World" - roadside stands are lined with baskets of nearly fist-sized strawberries in ziggurat piles. I'll never know how they taste.

CLIMATE - There is no thermostat in my apartment...and no need for one.

LOCAL CUISINE - Fresh grilled quesadillas can't be beat; huitlacoche can (it's corn fungus - purple and slimy, like beets that have been sitting around too long - used in tamales). "Burrito" means "little donkey". "Gorditas" (a sort of thick tortilla sliced like pita bread and filled like a taco) means "chubby little girl".

HOW TO SLAUGHTER SPANISH - When I saw a mannequin on the side of the road, dressed in a Santa-mini-skirt and hat, I learned how to say "Santa Claus esta una puta picosa y barata" - Santa is a cheap and spicy hooker. Also, "Feliz ano nuevo" does NOT mean "Happy New Year".

ELEVATION - At 6000+ feet, jogging is a challenge - for me, anyway, but not for the local high school track team that blew past me one morning going at least twice my pace.

CONSUMERISM - I'm not watching TV, I can't read billboards, radio announcers speak far too quickly - without the influence of advertising telling me I need something, I find I lack nothing.

DRIVING - In the U.S., we drive on the right. In Britain, on the left. In Mexico, right down the damn middle of the road.

SIZE - The elevator in the local mall has a footprint of about 4 x 5 ft and a sign stating "Capacity: 11". "11 people fit in this tiny elevator?" I asked my friend. "11 Mexicans mi amigo, only 5 gringos..." He also told me that "amigo, you are taller than me, but I am standard-sized Mexican". (Note: The people conversion rate is different than the pesos-to-dollars rate of 10-to-1).